Waiting for Permission
When I was at University I had grand ideas about what I wanted to be and do and say with my career… but I have to admit… I was a big ‘ole pussy. Though I could pretend to be confident at the time, I have always had this anxious hole in my gut. Anxiety has been my constant companion for my entire life and I never knew what it was or why I felt the way I did. I have since learned a lot about anxiety and depression but back then I was an absolute nervous wreck.
I constantly wondered what people thought about me. Constantly wondered if my art was good enough. Wondered if it was even interesting. I followed assignments to the letter… structure kept me focused. I was always talking to my classmates and professors and asking if I was going in the right direction. I was asking if my work was good enough to get an A grade. I was asking if my work could be gallery worthy. I was asking if whatever idea I had was even worth pursuing...
Let me just rephrase what I was actually doing.
I was constantly asking if I had permission to create.
Yeah. My anxiety, and those of you like me, have this thing that manifests where we try to please everyone and by trying to please everyone we ask for permission from everyone. Want to know what the BIG problem with that is? The problem is… everyone is an awful lot of people.
But did I know this then? Nope. I had to be metaphorically punched in the gut for that to make sense.
Here’s how that little event went down…
I was working on a project in one of the studio classrooms. To this day I don’t recall what it was or why I was stressing out about it. We always had professors coming in and out of the studio all the time and a gentleman by the name of Val Paul Taylor walked in that day. I never got to take a class from him but I attribute him up there with one of my top inspirations I have ever had the honor of meeting.
Honestly, I don’t know what conversation we struck up but I’m 87% sure I asked him if the project I was working on was even a good idea. I remember he chuckled and shook his head. (Which, in itself, made my anxiety meter spike like crazy) but then he said… “Whose permission are you waiting for?”
I’m sorry… wut?
“WHOSE PERMISSION ARE YOU WAITING FOR?”
I didn't know how to answer that. That question alone caused me to refocus everything. Now I don't wait for someone else to tell me when to do it, I just do it. When I start to wonder about my ideas and how “everyone” is going to think about them I remember Val shaking his head at me... and I get back to work because I give myself permission to do so.